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<h2>The Trouble With Triggers</h2><h3>Healing, repair, and holding steadiness when a D/s dynamic is on pause</h3>The trouble with triggers is that they don’t arrive as pain. They arrive as certainty. A trigger does not say, “Something old is being touched.” It says, “I know exactly what this means.”In a D/s relationship, that certainty can be dangerous. Power exchange amplifies everything. Trust, desire, fear, devotion, attachment, authority, vulnerability. When a trigger hits, it becomes easy to mistake activation for truth and urgency for leadership. The body wants resolution, control, or reassurance immediately, and the relationship becomes the place where that urgency tries to land.This is how solid dynamics begin to strain. Not through malice or neglect, but through nervous systems moving faster than integration.<h3>When a D/s dynamic pauses</h3>There is a common belief that if a D/s dynamic pauses, something has gone wrong. A pause is often interpreted as failure, withdrawal, or a loss of devotion. I am learning to see that differently.Sometimes a pause is not an abandonment of power exchange, but a refusal to let power exchange become a coping mechanism. When triggers are active, continuing a dynamic without slowing down can quietly turn structure into pressure and surrender into self abandonment.A pause can be an act of care. It creates room to regulate, to return to consent that is felt rather than assumed, and to remember that the relationship itself is the container, not just the roles we inhabit within it. Devotion does not disappear when rituals stop. In many cases, it deepens.<h3>The trouble with triggers in D/s</h3>Triggers are not enemies. They are information, but they are unreliable narrators.In D/s dynamics, triggers often disguise themselves as intuition, disrespect, danger, proof, betrayal, or a loss of polarity. A Dominant might feel a tightening in the chest and interpret it as a need to reassert structure. A submissive might feel activation and interpret it as a need to withdraw or protect.Neither response is inherently wrong, but neither is complete. The real risk comes when a trigger is treated like a command rather than a signal.Triggers want speed, and healing requires time. Holding space when the feminine journey gets messy, and this is where things often become uncomfortable, particularly for Dominants.There is a growing conversation around the divine feminine journey and the reality that healing is nonlinear, emotional, eruptive, and not especially tidy. Alongside that conversation is the idea that the divine masculine is asked to remain steady and safe even when the expression coming toward him feels sharp or destabilizing.I will be honest. That framing hits edges for me.<figure id="figure-elpbnxikhrmksv02bx"><img id="elpbnxikhrmksv02bx" src="https://cdn.durable.co/blocks/24AFdLnZekfj9j8GCqYQkFiEH2F9y6s1x6vdXtPvxuxscWfknbDpk1HniJdF2eyV.png" alt="" title="" class="object-cover bg-gray-100 " style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: undefined undefined;" data-corners="default" data-aspect="16:9" data-caption="A moment of noticing defensiveness before choosing steadiness." data-positionx="undefined" data-positiony="undefined" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-src="https://cdn.durable.co/blocks/24AFdLnZekfj9j8GCqYQkFiEH2F9y6s1x6vdXtPvxuxscWfknbDpk1HniJdF2eyV.png" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: undefined undefined;"><figcaption class="body-normal text-gray-500 mt-2">A moment of noticing defensiveness before choosing steadiness.</figcaption></figure>Part of that is personal. Part of it is identity, experience, authority, and the role I have long held as protector and leader. When I hear language about the feminine leading the healing journey, my body reacts before my intellect has time to engage. Not because I reject growth, but because it touches deeply wired expectations about direction, responsibility, and safety.What I am learning to hold instead is this distinction. The feminine may initiate the healing current, but the masculine stabilizes the field so that healing does not become harm.That does not mean absorbing attack. It does not mean abandoning boundaries. It does not mean disappearing. It means regulating first, slowing the moment down, choosing not to escalate, and holding presence without immediately fixing, correcting, or reclaiming certainty.That is not passive. It is disciplined.<h3>When holding space feels like being challenged</h3>This lesson has been made very clear to me recently.I am noticing how quickly my body wants certainty when intensity rises and how tempting it can be to move from containment into correction, especially when authority feels subtly questioned. There are moments when tightening structure would be easier and moments when reasserting dominance would reduce my own discomfort.The work right now is not doing that.The standard I am holding myself to is higher than effectiveness alone. It includes the ability to remain steady while the feminine process unfolds in a way that does not look calm, linear, or especially appreciative in the moment. This is not about surrendering leadership. It is about refining it.Dominance that cannot tolerate uncertainty will always feel threatened by growth.<h3>Divine masculine and feminine, unsealed</h3>In the language of archetypes, this season feels less like polarity and more like maturation.The divine feminine does not heal in straight lines. She expands, contracts, revisits, erupts, softens, and reshapes. Attempting to manage that process for the sake of comfort does not create safety. It creates compliance.The divine masculine, at his best, does not demand that growth look neat. He provides steadiness without force, direction without urgency, and presence without possession.Both are being unsealed here, not into chaos, but into a deeper integrity where power exchange is chosen again and again rather than assumed.<h3>Red string theory and twin flame reality</h3>There is a romantic idea in twin flame and red string mythology that if two people are bound, things should feel effortless and destiny should smooth the way.In my experience, the opposite is often true.If the red string is real, it does not pull you away from your edges. It pulls you directly into them. Twin flame connection does not excuse dysfunction. It exposes it, bringing unhealed patterns to the surface not to punish, but to demand integration.A real bond can tolerate pauses, silence, and growth that happens out of sync. Trauma bonding panics when certainty disappears. The red string does not tighten when things get uncomfortable. It holds.<h3>Repair over performance</h3>What defines a D/s dynamic is not how intense it looks at its peak, but how it repairs when something fractures.Repair requires restraint. It requires humility without collapse. It requires remembering that power exchange is meant to deepen intimacy, not override nervous systems.Sometimes the most dominant act is not command, but containment. Sometimes the most submissive act is not surrender, but truth.A dynamic on pause is not a failure. It can be an initiation and an invitation to return to one another with more awareness, more consent, and less urgency.Triggers do not mean something is broken. They mean something is asking to be met with care.If you want support navigating repair, renegotiation, or rebuilding a D/s dynamic with clarity and steadiness, I work with individuals and couples in this exact terrain.Learn more at <a data-mce-href="https://sirchristopher.org/coaching" href="https://sirchristopher.org/coaching">https://sirchristopher.org/coaching</a>.Meta DescriptionA reflective exploration of triggers, repair, and steadiness in a D/s relationship on pause, examining divine masculine containment, feminine healing, and the red thread of connection that holds through growth.

The Trouble With Triggers

<h3>The Best Dominants Know They Aren’t the Best Dominants</h3>Self-care, regulation, and sustainable power in D/s dynamics<h3>Self-Care for Dominants</h3>A reminder to myself, as much as anyone elseMuch of my writing begins as self-reflection. I rarely sit down to teach without first noticing where I am still practicing. This blog is no exception. It’s a reminder I need as much as anyone who might read it. Not because I’ve failed at this, but because self-care for Dominants is one of the first things to slip when responsibility, intensity, and expectation start to stack up.That reality is part of the point. The best Dominants know they aren’t the best Dominants. They understand there is always another layer of awareness, steadiness, and humility required to carry authority cleanly, especially over time.Dominance asks something real of a person. It is not just erotic. It is not just psychological. It is nervous system work, emotional labor, and ethical leadership, whether that power exchange lives in the bedroom, the relationship, or the broader structure of someone’s life. Power, if it is going to remain clean, requires care, the way a sharp blade requires regular attention or it starts to cut without precision.<h3>Presence Is the Real Source of Authority</h3>Dominance is often mistaken for control. In practice, the most effective Dominants are not forceful. They are regulated.Presence is what people respond to. Presence allows a Dominant to hold intensity without escalating it, to guide surrender without coercion, and to remain steady when emotions run high. That kind of presence does not come from willpower alone. It comes from a nervous system that is tended to regularly through breath that slows the body, stillness that is not performative, and grounding that returns you to your own center before you attempt to hold anyone else.When a Dominant is chronically dysregulated, authority becomes brittle. Commands get sharper. Patience gets thinner. Control starts compensating for exhaustion. Self-care isn’t indulgent here. It’s preventative.<h3>A Simple Practice I Return To</h3>I don’t always remember to do this. When things are moving fast or responsibility is stacking up, this is often the first practice I forget, and almost every time I can feel the difference. When I do remember, things go better.I stop, place both feet on the floor, and take a slow inhale through the nose followed by a longer exhale through the mouth. I let my shoulders drop and feel my weight settle downward. I don’t try to solve anything in that moment. I simply return to my body.Two minutes of regulation does more for my leadership than twenty minutes of analysis. This isn’t a rule or a prescription. It’s one way I remind myself that authority starts inside the body, not in the mind.<h3>Aftercare Is Not One-Sided</h3>We talk a lot about aftercare for submissives, and rightly so, but Dominants absorb more than we often admit.Holding space for surrender means witnessing vulnerability. Holding authority means containing fear, desire, trust, and sometimes pain. That leaves residue. Aftercare for a Dominant may look like quiet rather than closeness, touch without expectation, or journaling honestly, not as a leader, but as a human. Sometimes it looks like being held instead of holding.Ignoring this doesn’t make a Dominant stronger. It makes them numb, and numbness is far more dangerous than softness.<h3>Movement as Regulation, Not Performance</h3>Exercise is one of the most reliable forms of self-care for me, and also one I have to keep reframing.When movement turns into self-punishment, image management, or another place to prove something, it stops serving me. When exercise is approached as regulation, it becomes one of the cleanest ways I know to come back into my body. Strength training that emphasizes control and breath, long walks without headphones, and slow, deliberate movement that clarifies where my edges actually are all serve this purpose.I don’t always make time for this, and I can feel it when I don’t. My patience shortens, my thinking speeds up, and my body carries tension I mistake for certainty. When I move regularly, I lead more cleanly, not because I’m stronger, but because I’m more settled. Exercise gives my nervous system somewhere to put excess charge so it doesn’t leak into my authority. This isn’t about discipline or aesthetics. It’s about having a body that can hold power without bracing against it.<h3>Other Ways I Regulate When I Remember To</h3>Not every practice works every time, and none of these are things I do perfectly or consistently. These are simply tools I return to when I notice myself drifting out of my body and into tension, urgency, or over-functioning.Cold or temperature shifts, such as cold water on the face or stepping briefly into the cold, interrupt mental spirals and return me to sensation. Writing without witness creates space when I need to get thoughts out of my head without performing clarity.Silence without improvement goals allows my nervous system to settle on its own terms. Time in nature, which doesn’t respond to dominance or require performance, regulates me in ways few other things do. Limiting input matters too, because sometimes regulation comes from subtraction rather than addition.These are not prescriptions. They are reminders, and like all reminders, I don’t always listen the first time.<h3>What Happens When Self-Care Is Skipped</h3>The cost of neglect is rarely dramatic. It is subtle and cumulative.Resentment begins to masquerade as authority. Exhaustion starts to sound like certainty. Control gets used to soothe depletion rather than guide connection. Nothing is obviously wrong, but something feels flatter, heavier, and less alive. This is often the moment when people think they need more intensity, when what they actually need is rest and repair.I’ve written elsewhere about what happens when that drift goes unchecked and repair becomes necessary rather than optional. You can read more about that process here:<a href="https://sirchristopher.org/blog/after-the-tidal-wave--trust--rupture--and-repair-in-d-s-relationships" data-mce-href="https://sirchristopher.org/blog/after-the-tidal-wave--trust--rupture--and-repair-in-d-s-relationships">After the Tidal Wave: Trust, Rupture, and Repair in D/s Relationships</a><h3>Boundaries Are Self-Respect in Action</h3>There is a subtle trap many Dominants fall into: believing that constant availability equals devotion or leadership. It does not.Leadership without boundaries turns into depletion. Depletion turns into resentment, and resentment quietly poisons power dynamics. Protecting your time, your sleep, your energy, and your inner life is not selfish. It is what allows you to show up cleanly rather than from obligation or fatigue. A rested Dominant doesn’t need to grasp for control. Authority flows naturally when you are resourced.<h3>Reflection Keeps Power Ethical</h3>Self-inquiry is one of the most overlooked forms of Dominant self-care.Power that isn’t examined will eventually reenact old wounds. This does not mean Dominants need to be endlessly self-critical. It means being willing to ask uncomfortable but clarifying questions about where leadership is coming from and what need it is serving. Reflection is how power stays conscious instead of compulsive.<h3>Cycles Are Normal</h3>Self-care is not something you master once and keep forever. It is cyclical.There are seasons of clarity and seasons of drift, periods where steadiness comes easily and periods where you forget and have to return again. This doesn’t mean you are failing. It means you are human and still engaged. Maturity isn’t never slipping. It’s noticing sooner and repairing more gently.<h3>You Are Allowed to Be Human</h3>Dominants are often expected, internally or externally, to be unwavering, solid, and above doubt, grief, tenderness, or fatigue. That expectation creates fragmentation.True authority doesn’t come from invulnerability. It comes from integration, knowing your own shadows and still choosing responsibility. It comes from letting yourself be human without leaking unprocessed weight into the dynamic. Sometimes self-care also looks like joy, laughter, and ease, moments where power isn’t heavy and leadership doesn’t require effort. Those moments matter too.<h3>A Final Invitation</h3>Self-care doesn’t replace structure. It supports it.My coaching work is designed for people who take power seriously and want a place to slow down, reflect, and keep their leadership clean over time. This work centers regulation before intensity, reflection before rigid structure, and power that remains chosen rather than performed.Remember, the best Dominants know they aren’t the best Dominants. They keep practicing, keep listening, and keep refining how they hold power.If you want support that prioritizes nervous system awareness, consent literacy, and long-term sustainability in D/s dynamics, you can explore my coaching work at <a data-mce-href="www.sirchristopher.org/coaching" href="www.sirchristopher.org/coaching" title="The Foundation ">www.sirchristopher.org/coaching</a>. This work is offered virtually and is available to individuals or couples who want their power exchange to remain embodied, ethical, and sustainable.

The Best Dominants Know They Aren’t the Best Dominants

My wife has been tossing around the word sovereignty lately. Not casually or as a buzzword, but as a concept she was clearly living into. She was turning it over in her body and her thoughts, testing how it felt to say it out loud and what it asked of her.I will admit it plainly: the term did not sit well with me. Instead of getting curious, I got reactive. I foolishly argued, and argued far too hard, that sovereignty and partnered relationships were oxymoronic. I believed that if you were sovereign, you stood alone, and that marriage, commitment, and certainly D/s required a relinquishing of sovereignty. What was really at risk in that argument was not semantics. It was whether desire, devotion, and power could coexist without erasing one of us. At the time, I did not see that. I was defending something, but I did not yet understand what.<h3>The Mistake I Was Making</h3>I was confusing sovereignty with separation. In my mind, sovereignty meant radical independence, emotional self sufficiency, and an energy of not needing anyone else. From that lens, it felt incompatible with marriage. Marriage is interdependence. It is a shared life with shared impact. In a long term D/s dynamic, where power exchange, authority, and surrender are part of the relational structure, sovereignty sounded like a quiet rebellion against union.What I had wrong was simple but consequential. Sovereignty is not isolation. Sovereignty is self ownership, and that distinction changed everything.<h3>Sovereignty Is What Makes Power Exchange Real</h3>In BDSM, and especially in long term or marital D/s, power only has meaning if it is chosen. Without sovereignty, submission becomes obligation, dominance becomes assumption, and power exchange turns static and lifeless.Marriage has a way of fossilizing roles if we are not attentive. Authority becomes implied instead of granted. Submission gets folded into caretaking, logistics, emotional labor, or habit. Over time, what was once erotic becomes managerial, and what was once chosen becomes expected. Sovereignty reintroduces choice into a dynamic that time and responsibility often flatten.When my wife spoke about sovereignty, what she was really naming was this: she wanted to know she was choosing me, not disappearing into us. That realization landed deeply and reframed the entire conversation.<h3>Sovereignty Inside Long Term or Marital D/s</h3>In healthy long term D/s, sovereignty does not weaken the dynamic. It stabilizes it by keeping power exchange intentional and alive. Sovereignty inside marriage looks like power exchange that remains opt in rather than inherited, authority that is contextual rather than totalizing, and consent that stays active rather than archived.Marriage does not entitle dominance, just as history does not entitle submission. Love does not replace consent. Instead, sovereignty allows both partners to keep choosing the dynamic again and again, on purpose and in real time.In practice, this has meant slowing down and paying attention. We have paused rituals that once ran on autopilot and named when life seasons like parenthood, exhaustion, and repair shifted our nervous systems.&nbsp;<h3>How Reclaiming Sovereignty Awakens Submissive Desire</h3>This is the part that surprised me most. Many submissives do not lose desire because they do not want to submit. They lose desire because they have been submitting everywhere else without consent.In long term partnerships and parenthood, submissive people often become the emotional regulator, the logistical manager, and the one who anticipates, plans, and holds everything together. Their nervous system never rests. They are always leading, even when they do not want to be.Erotic submission cannot arise from depletion. It requires a nervous system that knows it is safe, resourced, and free to choose. When sovereignty is reclaimed, the body remembers it can say no, the nervous system exits survival leadership, and choice returns. When choice returns, desire follows.Submission stops being collapse and becomes relief. It stops being escape and becomes offering. It becomes erotic again because it is voluntary. Many submissives do not lose desire because submission is not true for them. They lose desire because they have been over functioning for too long. Once sovereignty is restored, the body often says, “Now I can kneel, because I do not have to.” That is where real hunger appears.<h3>What I Had to Unlearn as a Dominant</h3>As a Dominant, I had to face something uncomfortable. A submissive’s sovereignty does not threaten my authority. It legitimizes it. The unspoken fear for many Dominants is that a sovereign submissive will not need them. What I have learned is the opposite. Sovereignty is what allows a submissive to choose you rather than cling to you.Obedience only has meaning when it is optional. Surrender is hollow if it is not revocable. Power exchange is only erotic when it is chosen. When sovereignty is honored, dominance does not need to grasp. It gets to be invited, and that invitation carries more weight than any assumed control ever could.<h3>Where I Land Now</h3>Sovereignty and marriage are not opposites, and sovereignty and D/s are not contradictions. They are prerequisites. Sovereignty allows two whole people to bind themselves without disappearing. It allows submission to stay alive over decades, and it allows dominance to remain clean, consensual, and trusted.I argued so hard because I was afraid sovereignty meant distance. What I see now is that sovereignty is what makes chosen closeness possible, along with chosen submission, chosen authority, and chosen devotion. That is where the real fire lives.If you are navigating sovereignty, desire, or power inside a long term or marital dynamic, this is the work I do. I work with couples and individuals to build dynamics where sovereignty is honored so power exchange remains alive, erotic, and consciously chosen over time.You do not have to give up yourself to give yourself to another. In fact, reclaiming yourself is often what makes real surrender possible again.Learn more about my coaching work here:www.sirchristopher.org/coaching

Sovereignty, Marriage, and the Power to Choose Submission Again

<h2>I come from preachers.</h2>My grandfather was a preacher. My younger brother is a preacher. My youngest son graduated from Lubbock Christian University with a degree in ministerial studies. I was a preacher’s kid, a youth minister for a season, and a song service leader who stood in front of congregations every Sunday guiding people into worship. So when I speak about the Bible, sensuality, power, and desire, I’m not doing it from rebellion or novelty. I’m doing it from familiarity. I know the text, the culture built around it, and the things we were encouraged to linger on. I also know what we were taught to skip past quietly. And since today is Sunday, a little preaching feels appropriate. --- The Bible Is Not Afraid of the Body Many of us were taught that holiness meant distance from desire. That the body was something to manage rather than something through which meaning emerges. That teaching does not come from scripture itself. The Bible speaks through bodies constantly. It uses longing, pleasure, exposure, dominance, surrender, betrayal, and reconciliation because those are the experiences human beings actually understand. Desire is not treated as foreign or corrupt. It is treated as powerful and consequential. What modern language might call kink or sensuality often appears in the Bible as poetry, metaphor, warning, covenant, or devotion. The tension is not that these elements exist in scripture. The tension is that many of us were trained not to notice them. --- Erotic Poetry as Sacred Text Song of Songs Song of Songs is unambiguous. Bodies are described in detail. Scent, taste, skin, and hunger are named openly. Desire is mutual and celebrated. This is not sex hidden behind metaphor. It is erotic love preserved as scripture. Attempts to sanitize it usually say more about cultural discomfort than about the text itself. --- Power, Desire, and Consequence David and Bathsheba David sees Bathsheba bathing. He desires her and sends for her. The power imbalance is obvious and never denied. The Bible does not pretend this moment is neutral. It tells the truth about what happens when desire and authority collide without restraint. Power is acknowledged, and so are the consequences of misusing it. --- Erotic Shame and Reclaiming Hosea and Gomer Hosea’s marriage uses explicit sexual language to speak about devotion, betrayal, exposure, and reclaiming. Nakedness and desire are not avoided. They are the medium through which meaning is communicated. The text relies on erotic imagery because attachment, loss, and longing are embodied experiences. Theology works here precisely because sexuality is not erased. --- Consent, Initiation, and Night Encounters Ruth and Boaz Ruth approaches Boaz at night on the threshing floor. She initiates. The setting is private and intimate. Boaz responds with restraint and clarity. Desire is present, but it is held within awareness and consent. Power exists, but it is not exploited. The encounter leads to covenant rather than shame. --- When the Prophets Use Shock Intentionally Ezekiel Ezekiel uses graphic sexual imagery on purpose. Descriptions of arousal, excess, exposure, and punishment are meant to bypass denial and land directly in the body. This language is not accidental or gratuitous. It works because erotic imagery is visceral, memorable, and difficult to ignore. --- Why This Matters, Even as an Atheist I want to be clear about my position. I am an atheist. I am not suggesting we should explore kink, sensuality, or power exchange because God approved it or buried permission in scripture. I am not appealing to divine authority or theological justification. What I am saying is simpler. The Bible does not kink shame. The church does. Scripture contains erotic poetry, embodied desire, power dynamics, transgression, consent, seduction, devotion, and consequence. The shame around these topics came later, from institutions that were uncomfortable with bodies, agency, and unregulated power. As someone raised in the church and later able to step outside of it, I can see that clearly now. What many of us were taught was not biblical purity. It was cultural anxiety dressed up as holiness. That same anxiety still shows up in how people approach kink and D/s dynamics today. Many are already navigating desire, dominance, submission, and surrender in their relationships, but without language, consent literacy, or nervous system awareness. When shame replaces education, people either repress themselves or act without care. --- Bringing This Full Circle to Coaching This is where my work lives. In my coaching, we slow things down enough to notice what power and desire are doing in the nervous system, not just in fantasy or behavior. I work with individuals and couples who want to engage dominance, submission, and intimacy with clarity rather than secrecy, and responsibility rather than guilt. The goal is not rebellion. It is clarity.The goal is not permission. It is self-awareness.The goal is not belief. It is honesty. You do not need religion to do this work. You need consent, reflection, and the willingness to look directly at how power and desire move through you. If this resonates and you want to explore power and intimacy deliberately rather than accidentally, you can learn more about my coaching work here:👉 https://www.sirchristopher.org/coaching If ancient scripture can hold erotic truth without flinching, we can learn to do the same without invoking a sky daddy at all.

Holy Desire Without God: What the Bible Gets Right About the Body

<blockquote>Most people are already in a D/s dynamic. They are just navigating it without language, consent, or clarity.</blockquote>I often look to the animal kingdom to understand humanity, not because humans are simple, but because animals are honest. They do not pretend power does not exist, they do not moralize hierarchy, and they do not shame instinct. They organize themselves around what works for survival, cohesion, and continuity.Across species, there is pecking order, leadership, submission, and consequence. Wolves follow a lead pair not because they are oppressed, but because the pack survives more effectively when someone holds direction. Lions move as a pride because coordinated strength feeds everyone. Birds negotiate rank, access, and proximity through clear, observable signals. There is little confusion and no pretending, only structure that serves the whole.<h3>D/s Exists in Every Relationship</h3>Dominance and submission exist in every relationship, not as a kink or a bedroom role, but as a function of how humans organize themselves. Every relationship has patterns of initiation, tone-setting, pacing, and adaptation. Sometimes these roles shift fluidly and sometimes they stabilize over time, but they are always present.Even relationships that describe themselves as equal still negotiate who leads during stress, whose needs shape decisions, who holds emotional containment, and who yields when conflict arises. D/s does not mean one person always dominates and the other always submits. It means power is always moving, and someone is always influencing the direction of the system. D/s is not something added to relationships; it is something revealed when we stop pretending power is absent.<h3>Power Exists Whether We Name It or Not</h3>Humans often like to believe they are above this reality. We use softer language and speak about equality, partnership, freedom, and autonomy. These values matter deeply, but they do not erase the presence of power. Every relationship contains influence, every group has leaders whether formal or informal, and every dynamic has someone shaping pace, tone, and direction.The difference is not whether power exists, but whether it is conscious. When power goes unacknowledged, it becomes chaotic and leaks out through resentment, manipulation, withdrawal, or control disguised as care. When power is denied outright, people still feel it in their bodies, even if they lack language for what is happening. I have watched relationships heal when power was named and held with care, and I have watched them fracture when power was ignored or denied.<h3>D/s Is Not About Sex</h3>Dominance and submission are not inherently sexual. They are relational roles rooted in trust, responsibility, and consent, with sex being only one place where these dynamics become more visible. D/s shows up in parenting, leadership, teaching and learning, intimacy, and community. Anytime one person or system holds structure and another engages with that structure, a power exchange is taking place.Healthy D/s is intentional power exchange. It asks who is leading in this moment, what responsibility comes with that role, what consent has been given, how safety is maintained, and how feedback is received. This is not domination through force, but leadership practiced as stewardship.<h3>Submission Is Not Weakness</h3>In the animal world, submission is not failure; it is communication. It signals trust in the structure, safety within the group, and a lack of need to fight for control. Submission conserves energy, strengthens bonds, and allows groups to function without constant internal conflict.The same principles apply to humans. The nervous system responds to clear, trustworthy leadership by down regulating threat and conserving energy. When leadership is consistent and attuned, bodies soften and connection deepens. When leadership is chaotic, absent, or unreliable, bodies brace and relationships strain. When submission is chosen and held by someone capable, it becomes a source of grounding rather than vulnerability.<h3>Dominance Is Responsibility, Not Entitlement</h3>In nature, leaders are rarely the loudest or the cruelest. They are the most attuned to the survival and cohesion of the group. A dominant who cannot hold responsibility quickly loses legitimacy, and a leader who harms the pack does not remain leader for long.Human dominance should follow the same logic. True dominance requires emotional regulation, self-awareness, accountability, the capacity to repair harm, and a willingness to be challenged. Without these qualities, dominance collapses into control, and control is not leadership. It is fear attempting to pass itself off as authority.<h3>This is why my D/s coaching work exists.</h3>Not to impose roles, scripts, or aesthetics, but to help individuals and couples become literate in power. To slow down unconscious dynamics and make them intentional. To teach how leadership can be held with responsibility, how submission can be chosen without loss of self, and how structure can create safety rather than constraint.Most people are already in a D/s dynamic. They are just navigating it without language, consent, or clarity.My work is about naming what is already there, building structure where there has been confusion, and helping people relate to power in a way that creates trust, intimacy, and stability rather than harm.If this perspective resonates, you can learn more about my D/s coaching program here:www.sirchristopher.org/coachingThe real question is not whether you are in a D/s dynamic, but whether you are participating in it consciously.<figure id="figure-alai2v6zvmkhy4zoz"><img id="alai2v6zvmkhy4zoz" src="https://cdn.durable.co/blocks/30B3oUY1XjKrIxgYa6RjL2aV25uh7k9oy7muGtQQ3BEgCYfmOnFXi6lbgQFggovc.png" alt="" title="" class="object-cover bg-gray-100 selected" style="aspect-ratio: 1/1; object-position: center center;" data-corners="default" data-aspect="1:1" data-caption="" data-positionx="undefined" data-positiony="undefined" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-src="https://cdn.durable.co/blocks/30B3oUY1XjKrIxgYa6RjL2aV25uh7k9oy7muGtQQ3BEgCYfmOnFXi6lbgQFggovc.png" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 1/1; object-position: center center;" data-mce-selected="1"></figure>

Every Relationship Contains Power and Consent

Most people think their anxiety comes from not having enough control. We want more control over our schedule, more clarity in our relationships, and more certainty about what’s coming next. But what actually exhausts us is not chaos, it is vigilance. It is the constant mental labor of tracking, anticipating, managing, and bracing for what might happen next. Sometimes the most stabilizing thing you can do for your mental health is not to tighten your grip, but to intentionally loosen it.<blockquote>Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.</blockquote>I am an atheist. I do not believe this prayer is heard by a higher power or answered through divine intervention, and still, I consider it one of the most psychologically accurate reflections on mental health we have.Not because it invokes God, but because it names a core nervous system truth. Much of our suffering comes from confusing what is actually ours to control with what never was. We exhaust ourselves trying to manage both.The Serenity Prayer endures not because of theology, but because it describes a form of discernment most of us were never taught. Acceptance where effort only creates strain. Action where it truly matters. And the wisdom to tell the difference.<h2>Control Is Not the Same as Safety</h2>Many of us were taught that control equals safety. We learned to plan ahead, stay composed, and hold things together. Over time, that lesson can harden into a belief that if we just manage better or think harder, we will finally feel calm.For many people, the opposite happens. The constant effort to control outcomes, emotions, relationships, and even our own thoughts slowly wears the nervous system down. Anxiety thrives on hyper vigilance. Burnout grows when responsibility never pauses. Shame often hides behind the belief that we should be able to handle everything on our own.Learning to give up control in intentional, chosen ways can be one of the most supportive mental health practices available.<h3>What Giving Up Control Actually Means</h3>Letting go of control does not mean ignoring responsibilities, abandoning boundaries, or becoming passive. It does not mean handing your life over to someone else or pretending things do not matter.What it does mean is allowing support instead of self containment. It means reducing constant decision making, easing mental monitoring, and letting the body step out of vigilance for a while. It often looks like trusting clear agreements, practicing surrender within structure, and allowing uncertainty to exist without immediately trying to fix it.This kind of surrender is deliberate. It happens within choice, consent, and clarity. The nervous system recognizes the difference immediately.<h3>Control as a Learned Survival Strategy</h3>For many people, control is not a personality trait. It is a survival strategy learned early in life. It develops in environments where help was inconsistent, mistakes had consequences, or vulnerability did not feel safe.In those conditions, control becomes competence. Independence becomes identity. So when someone suggests letting go, it can feel threatening rather than relieving.This is why healthy surrender has to be chosen, not forced. It grows through trust and consistency, not pressure. It unfolds in layers, giving the nervous system time to learn that safety can exist without constant oversight.Mental health improves not because control disappears, but because it no longer has to carry everything alone.<h3>A Personal Example: Releasing Control That Never Created Safety</h3>In my own polyamorous relationship, surrendering control has also meant taking an honest look at which boundaries actually created safety and which ones simply soothed my anxiety.At one point, I believed that limiting whom my partner spent time with, how relationships could develop, or how intimacy unfolded would protect me emotionally. In practice, those controls did not create safety. They created vigilance. They required monitoring, comparison, and constant internal negotiation. My nervous system never rested because control always demands upkeep.Over time, I chose to release restrictions that existed only to manage my discomfort rather than to support mutual values or consent. I stopped limiting who my partner could build relationships with. I stopped using control of their time, connections, or depth as a way to regulate my own nervous system.What I discovered was that real safety did not come from narrowing my partner’s freedom. It came from widening my own capacity to tolerate uncertainty, trusting communication, and grounding myself instead of managing someone else.This was a genuine surrender. Not surrendering care or commitment, but surrendering the belief that I could create safety by controlling another person. Once that illusion fell away, the relationship felt calmer, not riskier. My mental health improved not because I controlled less for them, but because I carried less within myself.<h3>Here is the distinction that matters:</h3>Mutual structure creates safety. Self soothing control creates vigilance.Releasing controls that never actually protected me made room for a deeper, more stable sense of safety than restriction ever provided.<h3>Why Letting Go Regulates the Nervous System</h3>Many mental health struggles are rooted in chronic nervous system activation. When the body stays in fight or flight too long, the mind follows. Thoughts speed up. Rest becomes difficult. Even calm moments can feel fragile.Intentional surrender works because it reduces cognitive load and introduces predictability without pressure. When responsibility is shared, clearly contained, or consciously released, the nervous system receives a simple message. You do not have to monitor everything right now.That shift alone can slow breathing, lower stress hormones, and soften physical tension. This is not avoidance. It is regulation.<h3>Dominance, Submission, and Mental Health</h3>This is where dominance and submission, when practiced ethically and consensually, fit cleanly into this framework.Healthy power exchange is not about removing boundaries. It is about choosing which boundaries matter and placing them intentionally. The submissive is not giving up agency. They are exercising it through consent. The dominant is not taking power. They are holding responsibility with care.Unlike self soothing control, which tries to regulate anxiety by limiting another person, consensual D s structure is mutually chosen, clearly negotiated, and openly revisited. That clarity removes ambiguity, which allows the nervous system to rest.From a secular perspective, consensual power exchange is simply a structured way of practicing the discernment described in the Serenity Prayer. Control where it belongs. Surrender where it does not. Wisdom in knowing the difference.<h3>A Closing Thought</h3>If your mind feels tired, it may not need more discipline. It may need relief.Letting go in intentional, structured ways is not giving up. It is choosing to stop carrying what was never meant to be held through force or vigilance. Whether through relationships, agreements, or consensual power exchange, surrender can be a deeply rational and regulating choice.If you are curious about exploring intentional surrender, power exchange, or relational structure in a grounded, consent forward way, I work with individuals and couples through coaching designed to support both mental health and relational clarity.You can learn more about my coaching work here: <a href="https://sirchristopher.org/coaching" data-mce-href="https://sirchristopher.org/coaching">sirchristopher.org</a>Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do for your mental health is decide where control ends and allow yourself to rest there.

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